)"Hot on the heels of the 'comfortable' Elise 111, Lotus is launching two new models precisely targeted at wealthy customers who might otherwise have bought a Boxster or TT.
The first new variant, dubbed the Elise Banker, is set to offer a range of features to appeal to wealthy new/old city workers. Each car will come with a satellite navigation system pre-programmed to take the driver straight to Edinburgh. This system has been carefully recalibrated so that in the latter case it will refer to entering Edinburgh as going 'up to town', irrespective of the direction of travel.
Taking advantage of the new on-board computing power, this Elise will also offer a dashboard-mounted counter which will allow the driver to see a running total of how much money they have made this week, expressed as either 'grand', 'gees' or 'large'. As a final touch, every Elise Banker will come with a free Lotus branded Hackett rugby top and Timberland boat shoes. Plans to complete the set with matching socks were shelved when it was realised that for some reason these tw*ts never seem to wear them.
The second newcomer to the range is the Elise IT which will target overpaid n*bwits in the computer industry. Coming complete with a raft of pointless carbon fibre components which do absolutely nothing for the performance and handling yet will give the owner something to misguidedly brag about, the IT is set to cost lots of money.
Although much of the fancy technology on this model is designed purely to snare geeks there is said to be one genuine weight saving - since most buyers are unlikely to have any mates Lotus has been able to remove the passenger seat. In the event of an owner, for example, getting a girlfriend, a second seat will be a retro fit option though Hethel sources don't expect much take up on this.
As a final sop to the target market the IT will come with a unique buy back scheme which will enable owners to return their cars to the factory at short notice when their employer invariably sacks them, having realised the sheer stupidity of paying a laughably huge amount of money to a greasy haired nobber whose only basic skills are farting about with jumped-up calculators, snorting derisively when asked for technical advice, and driving his stupid little sports car really quickly into the work car park under the misguided assumption that other employees think he's cool."
Not being in either IT or 'Banking'...it made me smile.
