Bloke has scuffed knees, his mate says, "Did ye fall off yer bike?"
"Naaaah, doggy style"
"Why don't ye try doin it the other way then?"
"Sod that! The dog's breath fooking stinks!"
Tuesday test
A midget went to the quack & said she had sore lady's bits....
Doc took a quick peek, went into his drawer & pulled out a pair of big scissors
"What are you gonna do with them doc, will I not need anaesthetic?"
"Nope - I'm just trimming the top of yer wellies!"
Doc took a quick peek, went into his drawer & pulled out a pair of big scissors
"What are you gonna do with them doc, will I not need anaesthetic?"
"Nope - I'm just trimming the top of yer wellies!"
Ross
---------
1972 Alfaholics Giulia Super
2000 Elise S1 Sport 160
2004 Bentley Conti GT
2017 Schkoda Yeti
2x Hairy GRs (not Toyota)
Now browsing the tech pages
---------
1972 Alfaholics Giulia Super
2000 Elise S1 Sport 160
2004 Bentley Conti GT
2017 Schkoda Yeti
2x Hairy GRs (not Toyota)
Now browsing the tech pages
Slightly ot..less of a joke, more of a way of life but.. I spend 8 years working full time in professional footie. Was really a great laugh. Some of the players were SO dense that their team mates noticed!
At a pre-match function, one U-21 player thought that Sweet & Sour Chicken on the lunch menu was a choice, didn't know what he would like, so asked the manager for a Cheeseburger!!
Another thought that Scotland and England were joined by "Hadrians Bridge which was like the bridge to Skye"
Another guy announced at training one day that he had been asked to be a Pallbearer... at his sisters wedding in the summer!! He took lots of stick from his mates over the next few weeks then, at the next pre-season training sheepishly anounced that he had infact been an Usher at his brothers wedding but he would have to be one again soon because his grandad had died!
Yet another U-21 guy had a tattoo of a "scorpion" on his right shoulder over the close-season which he was showing off at the start of training. He was pretty pi$$ed of when it was pointed out to him that his scorpion, rather than being blackish and having 8 legs and a curly stingy actually was reddish with 6 legs and a lobster sized pair of pincers
There are loads more... but one of the best was a "sensible" older pro who had been told that one of his sisters was pregnant and expecting twins. He took me to one side (thats why he was sensible!!) and asked me "how do they know it was twins since they havent come out yet?"
At a pre-match function, one U-21 player thought that Sweet & Sour Chicken on the lunch menu was a choice, didn't know what he would like, so asked the manager for a Cheeseburger!!
Another thought that Scotland and England were joined by "Hadrians Bridge which was like the bridge to Skye"
Another guy announced at training one day that he had been asked to be a Pallbearer... at his sisters wedding in the summer!! He took lots of stick from his mates over the next few weeks then, at the next pre-season training sheepishly anounced that he had infact been an Usher at his brothers wedding but he would have to be one again soon because his grandad had died!
Yet another U-21 guy had a tattoo of a "scorpion" on his right shoulder over the close-season which he was showing off at the start of training. He was pretty pi$$ed of when it was pointed out to him that his scorpion, rather than being blackish and having 8 legs and a curly stingy actually was reddish with 6 legs and a lobster sized pair of pincers
There are loads more... but one of the best was a "sensible" older pro who had been told that one of his sisters was pregnant and expecting twins. He took me to one side (thats why he was sensible!!) and asked me "how do they know it was twins since they havent come out yet?"
Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Wanted: Train.
love them all.... what did you do in football renmure?
i played for hearts, hibs and livi initiative and got a few mates full time you might know!
How about - some one liners!!!!!!!!
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect it back.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
There's no future in time travel.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.
A good pun is its own reword.
Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
I have friends who swear they dream in color...It's just a pigment of their imagination.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.
Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.
A day without sunshine is like night.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys
As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
Bigamy: one wife too many.Monogamy: same thing
Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.
Clones are people two.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
Do not put statements in the negative form.
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!
Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I couldn't care less about apathy.
Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.
I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.
I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.
If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve
Spent 8 years as the chartered physiotherapist with Dundee Football Club in the Scottish Premier League and then a couple of seasons as physio with my local team, Arbroath Football Club.X7LDA wrote:
love them all.... what did you do in football renmure?
i played for hearts, hibs and livi initiative and got a few mates full time you might know!
That is what is says on the www anyway
2004 Exige S2 1.8 - Ardent Red
2003 RAV4 vvti 2.0 - Baleric Blue shiny version
Don't Fear The Reaper
Back on the road!
2003 RAV4 vvti 2.0 - Baleric Blue shiny version
Don't Fear The Reaper
Back on the road!
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go
out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give
up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17
people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles and told them this (the
big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain
after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"
(to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156
people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a
similar approach. (draws two circles) I said
(pointing to small circle) this is your ass hole before prison.....
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
(Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance)
My parents are from Glasgow, which means they're incredibly hard, but
I was never smacked as a child..., well maybe one or two grams to get
me to sleep at night.
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when
I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw@t.
(Susan Murray at the Underbelly)
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
(Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
(David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because
I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say
something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying
school. (Ahmed Ahmed at C34)
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All
right, but we're not going to get much done."
(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
goat.
(Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on
its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself
that they're enjoying it as well.
(Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't
listening ...Self-raising?"
(Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
(Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
(Jimmy Carr)
My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have
botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look
shocked.
(Shazia Mirza the Pleasance)
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
(Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork ...
(Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
(Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
join the circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want
with a plumber".
(Steven Alan Green at C34)
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both
a winner and a loser at the same time.
(Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms)
An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an
Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to
be quiet.
(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)
Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big
sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a
try. What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
(Seymour Mace at Café Royal)
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've
already got one!"
(Norman Lovett at The Stand)
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
arm bears.
(Chris Addison at the Pleasance)
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not
religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this
phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed
going to church."
(Colin Ramone at The Stand)
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p. (Sarah
Kendall at the Pleasance)
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this
sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I
feel?"
(Arnold Brown at The Stand)
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go
out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give
up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."
Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17
people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles and told them this (the
big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain
after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"
(to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156
people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!" "Well, I used a
similar approach. (draws two circles) I said
(pointing to small circle) this is your ass hole before prison.....
The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.
(Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance)
My parents are from Glasgow, which means they're incredibly hard, but
I was never smacked as a child..., well maybe one or two grams to get
me to sleep at night.
My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when
I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw@t.
(Susan Murray at the Underbelly)
Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
(Adam Bloom at the Pleasance)
Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital?
A: The ultrasound people.
(David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon)
I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because
I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say
something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying
school. (Ahmed Ahmed at C34)
A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All
right, but we're not going to get much done."
(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)
I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
goat.
(Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms)
Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on
its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself
that they're enjoying it as well.
(Scott Capurro at the Pleasance)
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
(Jimmy Carr at the ICC)
You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't
listening ...Self-raising?"
(Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms)
The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
(Jeremy Limb, at the Trap)
Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
(Jimmy Carr)
My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have
botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look
shocked.
(Shazia Mirza the Pleasance)
I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have
thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
(Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron)
I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork ...
(Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco)
Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
(Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance)
A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go
join the circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want
with a plumber".
(Steven Alan Green at C34)
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both
a winner and a loser at the same time.
(Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms)
An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an
Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to
be quiet.
(Ahmed Ahmed at C34)
Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big
sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a
try. What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
(Seymour Mace at Café Royal)
I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've
already got one!"
(Norman Lovett at The Stand)
The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
arm bears.
(Chris Addison at the Pleasance)
Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not
religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this
phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed
going to church."
(Colin Ramone at The Stand)
50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p. (Sarah
Kendall at the Pleasance)
I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this
sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I
feel?"
(Arnold Brown at The Stand)
Last edited by woody on Tue Aug 04, 2009 10:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I work with Derek Lilley good mate of mine you will more than likely know him!ExigeKen wrote: Spent 8 years as the chartered physiotherapist with Dundee Football Club in the Scottish Premier League and then a couple of seasons as physio with my local team, Arbroath Football Club.
That is what is says on the www anyway
Dont know him Woody but dont really know any of the Killie boys. I was in the same Livi team as Snoddy and Dorans who are now playing for the first team!
I put a ban on you e-mail?tut wrote:Scotty
I have an "Off list Folder" that is full of the jokes and rude pictures that I have received mostly from you, Paul and Iain.
tut
ps my e-mails to you are still getting bounced back.
We have been having problems with recieveing mails, we will be changing over a host's soon if Steve Brand remembers this time?
"Here for a good time not a long time"
A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.
"Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."
So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams – the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.
"Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
"Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"
"Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal."
"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."
"Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."
So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams – the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.
"Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
"Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"
"Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal."
"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."
AMG GT-R
Atom 4 - CM425
Lotus Esprit S4S
G30 M5 Comp
Ferrari 599
Lotus Elise S1 "Shed" spec
Atom 4 - CM425
Lotus Esprit S4S
G30 M5 Comp
Ferrari 599
Lotus Elise S1 "Shed" spec
A woman and a man driver are involved in a horrific collision, but amazingly both escape completely unhurt - though their cars are written off.
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
As they crawl out of the wreckage, the man sees the woman is blonde and strikingly beautiful. Then the woman turns to the man and gushes breathily: 'That's incredible - both our cars are demolished but we're fine. It must be a sign from God that we are meant to be together!'
Sensing a promise, the man stammers back, 'Oh yes, I agree with you completely!'
The woman goes on, 'And look, though my car was destroyed, this bottle of wine survived intact, too! It must be another sign. Let's drink to our love!'
'Well, OK!' says the man, going with the moment. She offers him the bottle, so he downs half of it and hands it back.
'Your turn,' says the man.
'No, thanks,' says the woman, 'I think I'll just wait for the police.'
AMG GT-R
Atom 4 - CM425
Lotus Esprit S4S
G30 M5 Comp
Ferrari 599
Lotus Elise S1 "Shed" spec
Atom 4 - CM425
Lotus Esprit S4S
G30 M5 Comp
Ferrari 599
Lotus Elise S1 "Shed" spec