Scottish Elises

Hi guys

just a wee test from my present location, no piccies on this thread please as I suspect low bandwidth available.

Jokes would be good

cheers

The Builders

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in A rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on A stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the Toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Dave: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession

Dave: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Dave: - Er ... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Dave: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you Have large garden then you have a large house?

Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house ... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Dave: - Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Dave: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Dave: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.

Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Stuart: - What's that then?

Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Stuart: - Nope

Dave: - Well then, you're a w@nker.

excellent

Hi LH



Man goes into a bar, asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave him one.



















/tumblweed faction

I only know offensive/sexist jokes?!!?!?

rossybee wrote:Hi LH



Man goes into a bar, asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave him one.

Shouldn't it be a woman that goes into the bar.
Or are you telling the alternative lifestyle version of the joke

Now, now, pedantry will get you nowhere

What do you do when your nose goes on strike....












pick-it
/jokes from primary school

I don't do funny.

I'm more of a witty remark type of person


Mac

Golfer to buddy: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!"
Buddy: "GREAT trade!"

mac wrote:I don't do funny.

I'm more of a witty remark type of person


Mac

Brilliant!

Keep laughing Lawrence.

All the best

tut


"One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss
them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but
succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to
go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their
daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem,
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man
told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the
father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the
peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled
for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

tut wrote:Keep laughing Lawrence.

All the best

tut


"One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss
them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer
her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but
succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for
assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to
go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their
daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem,
their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man
told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the
father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the
peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled
for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law."

Did I not send you that?

Water, water but not everywhere?
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties. The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5. "Idiot!" The Taliban shouted, " I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first. "OK," said the old Jewish man, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that dune to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.
Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.............................
Several hours later he staggered back. "Your f*cking brother won't let me in without a tie."

Sorry in advance.

Glasgow talk

What do you call a dwarf that falls into a cement mixer?
A wee hard man

Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow ?
They couldn't find a virgin or three wise men.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe ?
Wee Shooey.

What do you call a man who takes a small size in a shoe and can't find his dog ?
Wee Shooey Douglas.

A guy walks into a GP's surgery.
"Doctor , Doctor! He cries , "you've got to help me, I feel like I'm turning into coconut"
Says the doctor, "You're bountae "

What did Dracula get when he came to Glasgow ?
A bat in the mouth.

There were three coos in a field. Which wan wis oan its hoalidays ?
The wan wi a wee calf.

What do you call an illegitimate insect ?
A fly bastart.

Hear about the lonely prisoner ?
He was in his cell.

What famous costume drama TV series of the 1970's was named after a
queue for the toilet ?
The Aw Needin Line.

The man in the clothes shop insisting on a maroon jacket.
"Fur ma roon shooders"

Hear about the stupit skindiver?
He didny have a scuba.

Did you hear about the London criminal who fell foul of the Glasgow Mafia?
Apparently they made him an offer he couldn't understand.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a social worker ?
Ye can get yer wean back aff a Rottweiler

What do you call a Glasgow Sikh who enjoys karao ke ?
Gupty Singh

A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been
given a part in the school play. 'Wonderful. Whit part is it?' she asks
The boy says, " I play the part of the Scottish husband " .
The mother scowls and says,
'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a speaking part!

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the
doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while
in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed he said,
"No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk !"
I know," she said, "ah'm only his Granny, but noo I'm glad I came son!"

A wee woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
Whit wis that fur?" he cries
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.
Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o' the horses I bet on." She seemed satisfied and apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.
When he comes around,he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.