Bandit Country. (Rally report)

[pete]

OS Map 79 (Landranger Series) is less well researched than most of the other excellent maps in the series. Close examination of our copy simply says BANDIT COUNTRY


Part the First. "It's the car right? Chicks love the car."


So this is the second attempt at a scatter. I was happy to lose the last one, it was my first attempt, it was the navigator's first attempt, but this time it would be different, this time we would go equipped. (Avid readers may detect a slight tinge of bitterness creeping into this report. Please do not take offence at this. I don't like to lose. I especially don't like to lose to students. Or f*cking accountants)

"Extra points will be awarded for moustaches and other costumes at the discretion of the organisers."

Now the film on which this competition was themed was the seminal 1977 road movie, "Smokey and the Bandit", every petrol head's guilty secret love. Now I don't own a 1970s Transam but the Elise does bear a passing resemblance. I'm no Burt Reynolds but Alan, who due to temporary carlessness (see "The County that dare not speak it's name" thread) had agreed/was press ganged into navigating, does bear more than a passing resemblance to Sally Fields* so our parts were cast by fate.
Alan would wear a veil, I am encased entirely in denim and wearing a cowboy hat and cowboy boots, and SN03 wears a confederate plate on the front and the plate BANDIT on the back. We are hauling Coors**, a small bear in a cop outfit whom we have christened Smokey is watching me from the parcel shelf. It's dark, we are wearing sunglasses (Sorry wrong movie).

We pull into the big shed at Luddons where scrutineering is being carried out, roof off with "East Bound and Down" blaring from the wireless. At least the spirit of the rally prize is in the bag***.


Alan and I had discussed the rules before we left, mainly how we expected the thing to run, beyond that we had no plans.

____________________________


Part the Second. "So many clues. So little time."

"Ladies and gentlemen you have 2 hours to collect as many clues as possible, but not exceeding 33, and get to the finishing line."

FORTY-FIVE EFFING POSITIONS TO PLOT. FORTY-FIVE!







Everyone's gone. We are still plotting****.




plotting





plotting









WE'RE OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


A dark country lane somewhere north of Glasgow. A Nova***** screeches to a halt, before it stops moving the doors bang open and two moustachioed waifs hit the ground running, powerful torches lighting up the scenery whilst they shout instructions to each other. The driver joins them, out of the car whilst it is still rocking on it's shocks head-torch shining one way whilst the obligatory maglite lights up the middle distance.
Thirty seconds later there is the blip of a throttle easing a downshift and the Bandit arrives.
Car stops.
"Where's the bloody torch?"
"Errm I think it's here under my legs, hang on."
"Stop looking at me with that head torch, Oh great I can't see a thing now. Arse. Look sit still I'll get the torch."
"THAT'S NOT THE TORCH."
"hmm thought maybe it was a mini maglite, sorry about that, right I've got it now, oomph (old joints and low slung sportscars do not mix). Right now what clue are we looking for?"
"Errrm, what position are we at?"
"I don't know you're the bloody navigator! Give me that sheet******."

Hyper efficent students are now running back to their car, the driver is already back, the engine is screaming as one leaps in and the car takes off down the dark lane, driver lifting off only briefly to allow the third team member to dive into the moving car and they are gone, racing into the night. I belatedly lollop up the road to where the last team seemed to find their clue, cursing the decision to wear many layers so we could keep the roof off and not die of hypothermia. I am drenched in sweat and Alan, encased in a ski jacket is unable to get out of the car in under 20 minutes.

Back to the car,
"Right the answer is RJC, or Rbc. Oh bugger."
Back out of the car, back to the clue, back into the car, maps moved, firmly, back into Alan's lap from over the gear stick. Alan's seatbelt is undone, and re-fastened in HIS seatbelt socket. Belts on and we are off.
"Now there's no hurry Pete. BUUURRRRP."
"Errm Alan, of course there is a hurry, and are you OK?"
"Buuuurp. Burrrp. Yep. Fine."
"Can you slow BUUURRRPPP down a bit?"

THIS CHAPTER WAS REPEATED VERBATUM UNTIL THE FINISH.


Part the Third. "We gonna need a faster car".

Here we go again...
Alan doesn't like to read whilst in a moving car.
And suffers from motion sickness.
I am sh*t at finding clues.

Have you ever actually seen someone go grey? Actually grey? He wasn't sick, although god knows how he managed that as when he got out of the car he couldn't stand up. Staggering from side to side he could barely make it to the bar.

Final result was eighth. Out of 15 or so. Behind bloody students in centuries old Rovers or the car their Mum uses to take them to school.

How were the points awarded? I have no idea. All I know is that not nearly enough were awarded to us and way too many were awarded to Dom. I suspect some sort of accounting discrepancy.

Although it was a laugh next time I'm not taking the Elise, I just hope i can control my competitive instinct enough to not turn up next time with a Group N Impreza bought specially for the job. And a professional navigator.

Pete


A PUBLIC APOLOGY.

I may have given the impression to Alan that next time I would navigate for him. Well having seen the state my driving reduced him to, and having seen him drive, well bugger that for a game of soldiers.


Footnotes

*Same Height.
**Actually Carling Black Label with the word Carling crossed out and Coors written on in pen.
***Actually joint first verified down to second. Gutted. Bloody students.
****Positions, not dastardly plans.
*****Or some other non-descript euro hatch.
******Look I'm a bit of a control freak, my job title should mean it's not a total surprise.

PS If someone wants to cross post this to GUMSC then fill your boots.

[kenny]

10/10

[RDH]

10/10

Should that not be 10/4!

great write up Pete!

[tenkfeet]

F**k we were using the wrong map no wonder we were rubbish.

You never mentioned the guy who was in the car park in the dark on his own , well I never noticed the passengers head At the grid clue that we failed to add up.

I blame the driver as I have the constitution of a salty sea dog .

Ok that is a lie I get sick after one lap as pax at Knockhill.

[pete]

Ok that is a lie I get sick after one lap as pax at Knockhill.

Yeah me too. And I forgot about the bloke in the car park! God knows what he thought was happening,

P

[davejc]

Excellent write up pete!

was in stitches laughing!!

hope you had a good time tho!!

[Mickeh]

It's the losing to the account that the worst, isn't it

[Lazydonkey]

Great write up !

Alan, we'd never met before but I really don't ever think I've seen anyone looking as unwell as you did as "team mobility" pulled up outside the pub

Interesting that Pete is thinking "i'm not using the elise again" whereas after the panda I'm thinking "f*ck that i'm taking the VX next time"

[Dominic]

Great write up !

Alan, we'd never met before but I really don't ever think I've seen anyone looking as unwell as you did as "team mobility" pulled up outside the pub

Interesting that Pete is thinking "i'm not using the elise again" whereas after the panda I'm thinking "f*ck that i'm taking the VX next time"

What you really need is a golf, and DDtB as a navigator

Great write up Pete

[alanm]

Yeah brilliant write up Pete
Very funny

Many thanks again to both of you for coming along.

The costumes were brilliant, has anyone got any photos??
and you could tell a lot of effort had gone into it with the bear and plates and coors(carling)

The spirit of the rally was an impossible decision to make and I'm still kicking myself for not bringing more prizes.

You're right, theres a few people in our club who are getting too good at these.

If you or anyone else is interested there is another one on in Edinburgh this weekend. Ive got regs, just pm me if you want them

More details at http://www.gumsc.net/forum/viewforum.php?f=3

[alanm]

What you really need is a golf, and DDtB as a navigator

And a lot of local knowledge

[Dominic]

What you really need is a golf, and DDtB as a navigator

And a lot of local knowledge