Please please don't stay silent

[Lazydonkey]

We got the news yesterday that one of my wife's childhood friends had taken her own life.

39, sharp, great company, pretty, own childminding business and mum to a gorgeous 2 year old.

Always had her issues, mainly around finding love but we genuinely thought she was doing ok.

Then she was found yesterday morning.

Why am I posting this here?

Well here's the thing, ive been on this board for over 15 years, I'd class a great many of you as my good friends. Hell one of you was even my best man. (I chose poorly). But aside from silly chat about plastic cars I think we have an opportunity to really help each other.

The stats around male suicide are terrifying and losing our pal really made me wonder about how many of us are struggling and don't have anywhere to turn to. Obviously even the most odd vxlise owner has friends (right? I mean even the wierdest of you?) But sometimes it's hard speaking to those you are closest to about an issue.

So I just wanted to put a thread out there saying that if anyone if anyone wants a chat then I'm always here for a blether.

Speaking personally I've struggled with my mental health most of my life but, and this is the point, most of you probably wouldn't know. Good job, lovely family, no money worries (altho maybe m2 to a to a fiesta is a red flag ) and punching on the wife front. Yet ive seen councillors on three separate occasions and I wouldn't rule out a forth or fifth. I don't say that for pity but just to set expectations that I don't feel that it's anytning to be ashamed of.

So I guess what I'm saying is look after each other and if anyone, even those ive never met, even want to reach out for a chat, I'm here.

Look after each other.

[C7Steve]

Sorry to hear and I hope that you and your wife will be ok and receive lots of support from your friends and family.


Steve.

[graeme]

Amen, Donkey, and my sympathy too.

Donkey actually started the recovery process for me a long time ago by openly talking about his therapy visits. I decided to give it a go too, and ultimately it helped. I too am happy to talk to anyone about my experiences, without judgement, but I totally understand the shame and stigma we (wrongly) associate with asking for help. Even when I eventually got help, I didn't tell anyone but my wife. I was well on the road to recovery before I could talk about the process with anyone else, and nobody really knows all the details.

The stubborn (mostly male) obsession with silent suffering has to end. Just reach out.

And look out for each other, because your best friend could be suffering horribly, and you wouldn't know it.

[Lazydonkey]

[campbell]

A worthy thread.

First and foremost, Martin - thoughts to you guys and to the wee soul left behind.

I’ve been exposed to / tried to help with, some depression in others (in some cases very serious) a number of times through my life. I have possibly carried some, undiagnosed, of my own at certain points too. Think the line between stress and depression is quite thin and blurry.

My uncle took his own life when I was a young teenager and I don’t know how my Dad ever got over it.

My Mum has suffered some big episodes for over 40 years.

It is indeed good to talk. I feel it’s also important to ask people how they’re doing if you are concerned about them. I mean really ask. And then really listen. Think there is a tv ad campaign on this just now.

I’m a qualified coach but not a qualified counsellor. One of my required ethics is to spot if someone I’m working with may need referred to the help of a counsellor or therapist.

Like others have said, there is always a listening ear here too.

Look after yourselves. And each other

[hendeg]

Maybe not the first place you’d think to come for help or advice but we have a wide variety of experience and opinions here. The list of things people have helped each other with through this forum must be phenomenal and I’m sure that extends to mental health too.

Thanks for posting Martin, even though it’ll be a tough time for you.

[j2 lot]

I don’t know how families and friends come back from such a tragic incident. Heartbreaking. Well done for speaking out and reaching out Martin.

[scott_e]

Really sorry to hear about that, absolutely tragic especially so with a young child involved. But also a heart-warming thread in many ways, takes courage to write and post your words for sure. Lots of shared values on SE, hard to put in to words sometimes.

[Corranga]

Maybe not the first place you’d think to come for help or advice but we have a wide variety of experience and opinions here.

Sorry for singling out this one line, lots of great posts here. Realistically we are quite possibly the demographic who are least likely to talk about this stuff.

The stigma behind talking about mental health, and stupid the perception (in society, not here!) of some sort of 'mental weakness' is pathetic and something we all need to work together to call out if we see it. Like any disease, it's not something you have immediate control of either. Diabetics have to monitor blood sugar levels and compensate, but no one is monitoring serotonin and dopamine levels for you!

Speaking personally I've struggled with my mental health most of my life but, and this is the point, most of you probably wouldn't know. Good job, lovely family, no money worries (altho maybe m2 to a to a fiesta is a red flag ) and punching on the wife front. Yet ive seen councillors on three separate occasions and I wouldn't rule out a forth or fifth. I don't say that for pity but just to set expectations that I don't feel that it's anything to be ashamed of.

Pull out the bit about the M2, and this could easily have been posted by me.
I was first depressed in my mid teens (I'm 39 now, though I didn't really understand that's what it was until a few years later), though to say 'first depressed' is a paradox as I see my depression as a disease that is simply part of me now. I don't think I'll ever be cured of it, but I've learnt to deal with it in my own ways and seeing it this way has helped me to be aware / not be caught off guard if that makes sense.
For me one of the things that really helped, and perhaps that I took from my own counseling sessions, was being able to talk about it, and even just knowing that there are others out there going through the same thing. Our experiences are all different of course.

Once you start to look below the surface, you start to see how common this all is too sadly.

[Rusty]

I occasionally scan by here to see what everyone is up to, this post made me want to reply.

Firstly, I'm sorry for your Loss Martin.

I struggle with mental health issues, started back around 15 and still continues (now i'm 32)
I've been to therapists, I've been on anti depressants, I've made plans on how to remove myself from the world.
But i'm now 4 years further into life than I'd planned to be.

I have always openly discussed my mental health, because it does help! So if you are struggling but struggling silently, open up and talk.
I've made 2 videos over the years:
One about my past:
https://youtu.be/MIPeji_Njh0

One I did as a "short" that I didn't get to finish it the way I wanted due to Covid stopping the world.
https://youtu.be/TaEnRMvQgPY

After my manager discovered my small account and saw these, they put me onto a mental health first aider course.

Talking can save you!