One for Tut

cstrachan · Post by **cstrachan** » Fri Oct 19, 2012 8:44 pm

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards.

Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a month, leaving us more than 280,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are bad-tempered and impatient, and maybe letting us kill some a$$hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b*tch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million p*ssed off
old farts with bad attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.

HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes??
Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!

j2 lot · Post by **j2 lot** » Fri Oct 19, 2012 9:26 pm

rossybee · Post by **rossybee** » Sat Oct 20, 2012 7:17 am

The very fact I fully understand all the above is further proof I'm an old c*nt

Dominic · Post by **Dominic** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 9:22 am

S111Y TT · Post by **S111Y TT** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 11:06 am

Haha, Dad will love that one. He is living it up in Dubai at the moment staying with my sister for a bit. Imagine he will be on to check up with this shortly and will have a right good chuckle and snort.

robin · Post by **robin** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 1:16 pm

That's if he can find his glasses

tut · Post by **tut** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 2:36 pm

Up yours..........

Keep them around my neck as a safeguard. Unfortunately the day before I left I flipped them around the back of my neck to clean my teeth, then went and had a sesh on the massage chair. You guessed it, one pair of mangled, massaged, specs.

Clare put me on her hire car insurance today, so off I went to explore Dubai. No probs of course, LHD same as N3, tens of thousands of miles on the Continent, fifty five years of driving experience, but not sure if I have driven an automatic before, so first set of lights braking with left foot left the taxi driver behind me in fits of hysterics. No major problems apart from not knowing my way around locally, and they have so many roads dug up with temporary diversions that a map is not much use.

Bloody awful standard of driving though, they dart in and out in front and behind you, and change lanes constantly to gain a few yards. I sit in the same lane unless I am turning off, most of the traffic is going faster anyway, and let them play their stupid games. Trouble is you can not do anything about it if they drive into you. Speed cameras all along Sheik Zayed road with limits changing every 50 yards, so just stick to the lowest as I do not have to get anywhere quickly, and Clare has bet me that I will get a speeding ticket.

As I had the whole day and Clare was at work I thought that I would take a run North towards the tip of Oman. The E11 runs the whole length of UAE for 200 miles from Abu Dhabi in the South to Khasab where I was heading for in the North. So all I have to do is find the E11, five lane highway and head NE. Initial signposts are for local names which I did not recognise, no prob just check out the sun position and work it from there. Now I am not sure if it rises and sets in a different direction in Scotland, but after sitting on a dead straight road(they do not do bends) at 100/120 tuts and admiring the scenery for mile after mile, I noticed that I was approaching Abu Dhabi which was not the intention of the exercise. No point getting annoyed though and no chance of pulling a U'ey, so wait for the next junction and head back to Dubai safe in the knowledge that this time I am heading in the right direction. Got back to Clare's safe and sound, and settled down to the mandatory ex-pat G&T with a map to work out tomorrows trip, which of course will be no problem now that N & S is sorted out.

https://maps.google.com/?ll=25.274504,5 ... 91&t=h&z=8

tut

ps:-

photo from my bedroom window.

robin · Post by **robin** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 5:12 pm

Tut, you are a knob - you of all people should know N from S ... I remember one ring trip I had to call Ross who was navigating in the car in front to point out that as the sun was on our right (morning) we must be heading N not S ... considering we started in Ijmuiden that meant we were about to run out of land

Nice view ... watch out for policemen wearing cameras

Post by **Shug** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 5:15 pm

Tut, please tell me you never flew anything without a Nav sitting next to you/behind you?

j2 lot · Post by **j2 lot** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 5:16 pm

douglasgdmw · Post by **douglasgdmw** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 5:46 pm

Tit,

You should have done Ferrari word in Abu Dhabi whilst there. To be honest it is a little overpriced for what it is and there is just one worthwhil roller coaster but the acceleration on it will make the hire car feel und powered.

You should also pop to Motorzone and try and grab some track time.

George

woody · Post by **woody** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 6:00 pm

tut wrote:

photo from my bedroom window.

There's an indoor skydiving place in the mall next to there, good fun sober, probably a lot better with a few of those G&Ts

tut · Post by **tut** » Mon Oct 22, 2012 7:14 pm

Must admit the place is mind blowing and really glad that I came back here after 40 years when there was the Creek and a few dhows and goats.

However the novelty would not last for long, so after two weeks will be looking forward to getting back to the dogs, the chucks, N3, and of course Verian. If we could mix the temperatures of Dubai and Scotland in a great big melting pot it would be great, but when every day is a blazing sun and you can not live without A/C, I must have outgrown it.

Lovely to see Clare and Jamie though, he just arrived back tonight after three weeks of diving offshore, so we are off for an alcohol run tomorrow to Ajman where alcohol is not regulated and wine is £6 a bottle as opposed to £40, and beer a couple of quid rather than £12. There is a zero alcohol tolerance out here, so if we have a beer I will not be driving. Good thing is that he knows his way around.

Off for one of Dubai's famous brunches on Friday, 43 food stations and unlimited booze including champagne, 500AED ie £90, but that is what a couple of bottles of wine would normally cost. Booked a table for ten, but how about that for a S_E night out!!!!!!!!

http://www.jumeirah.com/Hotels-and-Reso ... sr-Brunch1

http://www.jumeirah.com/Global/Property ... %20Map.pdf

Reckon I can hack that, going by taxi, so goodbye brains.

tut

Kelvin · Post by **Kelvin** » Tue Oct 23, 2012 7:42 am

robin wrote:Tut, you are a knob - you of all people should know N from S ... I remember one ring trip I had to call Ross who was navigating in the car in front to point out that as the sun was on our right (morning) we must be heading N not S ... considering we started in Ijmuiden that meant we were about to run out of land

Nice view ... watch out for policemen wearing cameras

I remember that as I was driving. Ross and I were debating if we were going the right way or not...

Scottish Elises

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