A man is speeding down a narrow mountain road, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out the window and screams 'PIG!'
Astonished, the man turns and yells back, 'BITCH!' as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.
Tuesday test
While redecorating a church, three nuns become extremely hot and sweaty in their habits, so Mother Superior says, "Let's take our clothes off, and work naked."
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"
The other two nuns disapprove, and ask, "What if someone sees us?"
But the Mother Superior says, "Don't worry, no one will see us, we'll just lock the door."
So the other nuns agree, strip down and return to work.
Suddenly, they hear a knock at the door, and grab their clothes in a panic.
Mother Superior runs to the door and calls through, "Who is it?"
"Blind man," a man's voice comes back.
So she opens the door, and lets in the blind man, who turns to the nuns and says, "Great tits, ladies, now where do you want these blinds?"
AMG GT-R
Atom 4 - CM425
Lotus Esprit S4S
G30 M5 Comp
Ferrari 599
Lotus Elise S1 "Shed" spec
Atom 4 - CM425
Lotus Esprit S4S
G30 M5 Comp
Ferrari 599
Lotus Elise S1 "Shed" spec
Jezza quotes: 
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit
like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If
you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the
Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's
full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me,
when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz in a
bath together, with a Lightning jet fighter, and lots of jelly."
"[About Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing
than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off
stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air
saying there will be no war with Germany"
"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for
w****r"
On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black,
with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a
greased stick out of a pig's bottom'
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends
with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another
league of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people -
and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a
racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is
that he's called the Stig!"
"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
That's what gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in
the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
convertible was Adolf Hitler"
(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have
music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to
have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you
have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a
holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people
carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying
"Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
diseases.""
(Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less
painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars
domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on
the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not
be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from
a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red
Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson
shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a
car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i"
"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
because they don't have wheel-chair access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live
in the air for 6seconds and it takes 10 years to do what ebola does
to you
in 10days"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I mean the blokes a
bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
"Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old
Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air
force crashing into a firework factory"
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs
and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the
tailgate..."
"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000.
The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?" Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this
is in
a whole different league!"
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car,
put it on sale, and then found out how it handled - usually when one
of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he
was.
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God
was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into
them."
Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come
apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office
on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife
etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...
for a murderer."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty
to be on my plate at supper time"
"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really
work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it
so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a
sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if
you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and
it helps."
"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to
stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a
woman!"
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent
of a
President.
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more
attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a
camel with gingivitis."
"I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit
like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch. If
you've got even half a scrotum it's not going to happen."
"We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the
Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963, and as you would imagine it's
full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for me,
when I was little, was like kind of Jordan and Cameron Diaz in a
bath together, with a Lightning jet fighter, and lots of jelly."
"[About Porsche Cayman S] There are many things I'd rather be doing
than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to come off
stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
..."the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician
stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air
saying there will be no war with Germany"
"America: 250 million w****rs living in a country with no word for
w****r"
On the Alfa Romeo Brera... "I only have to imagine this in black,
with tan leather and I'm nursing a semi!"
Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster - 'It couldn't pull a
greased stick out of a pig's bottom'
On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR:
"there is a word to describe this car: it begins with "s" and ends
with "t" and its not "soot".
Hammond:"So its fairly terrible then?"
Clarkson:"Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is another
league of badness!"
"some say, that he used to throw microwave ovens at homeless people -
and that he long before anyone else realised that jade goody is a
racist pig faced waste of blood and organs............all we know, is
that he's called the Stig!"
"the Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
Ethiopian transvestite"
"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
That's what gets you."
'The air conditioning in Lambos used to be an asthmatic sitting in
the dashboard blowing at you through a straw'
"Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
"The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
convertible was Adolf Hitler"
(Fed up during the caravaning trip)
"You aren't allowed to have a party, you aren't allowed to have
music, you aren't allowed to play ball games, you aren't allowed to
have a camp fire, you have to park within two feet of a post, you
have to keep quiet, you have to be in bed by eleven. This is not a
holiday, it's a concentration camp!"
"This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people
carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying
"Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
diseases.""
(Mercedes CLs55) "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would be less
painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
"I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
places quicker than I do?"
Clarksons highway code on cyclists: 'trespassers in the motorcars
domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on
the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not
be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong'
"I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter from
a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this red
Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy Clarkson
shouted 'Get a car', and drove off.' What I actually said was, 'Get a
car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating N**i"
"Britian's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
because they don't have wheel-chair access"
1) "If we are being honest HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live
in the air for 6seconds and it takes 10 years to do what ebola does
to you
in 10days"
2) "Mandela just doesn't deserve his pedestal, I mean the blokes a
bit dodgy"
3) On Mandela's claim that Cuba is a good advert for democracy!!!
"Well Mr Mandela why don't you go and ask one of the 12 year old
Cuban prostitutes which way her parents voted"
"Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air
force crashing into a firework factory"
"Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the back
because of three very important reasons. One: weight. This is 600 Lbs
and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on the
tailgate..."
"I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000.
The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just........"
Hammond:"THAT bad is it?" Clarkson:"Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this
is in
a whole different league!"
In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a car,
put it on sale, and then found out how it handled - usually when one
of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how dead he
was.
"the DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when God
was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit into
them."
Assessing Hammond's crash:
Clarkson:"you can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to come
apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
Hammond:"I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the office
on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me, wife
etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
"Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved...
for a murderer."
"I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals duty
to be on my plate at supper time"
"there are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of
stitching... on their face"
"Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really
work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it
so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a
sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face. "
"Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it, if
you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do, and
it helps."
"you cant have this car with a diesel, its like saying, i wont go to
stringfellows tonight, ill get my mum to give me a lapdance, shes a
woman!"
Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports
car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent
of a
President.
Jeremy said this of the Porsche Cayenne! "Honestly, I have seen more
attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a
camel with gingivitis."
Octopus Energy Referral Code (£50 each!) share.octopus.energy/light-lynx-588
This is for the ladies, Had to laugh at #4. 
The Why's of Men?
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(Because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(They don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(They don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor
lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(Dont know.....it never happened)
(Cmon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
The Why's of Men?
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(Because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(They don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(They don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor
lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(Dont know.....it never happened)
(Cmon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart!
One for the ladies
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
-----------------------------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------- -
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."
"Here for a good time not a long time"
Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a
> vacation.
>
>
>
> Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
>
> The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
>
>
>
> The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache
> of a guy on a Harley."
>
>
>
> The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try
> what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While
> you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle
> in where it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can
> think of."
>
>
>
> The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
> next winter.
>
>
>
> A year goes by. When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering
> and shaking again.
>
>
>
> The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
>
>
>
> "Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the
> New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks finally; this nice young
> stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so
> nice and warm that I fell asleep.
>
>
>
> When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
> vacation.
>
>
>
> Last year when one flea gets to Miami, he's shivering and shaking.
>
> The other flea asks him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"
>
>
>
> The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache
> of a guy on a Harley."
>
>
>
> The other flea responds saying," That's the worst way to travel. Try
> what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While
> you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle
> in where it's warm and cosy. It's the best way to travel that I can
> think of."
>
>
>
> The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try
> next winter.
>
>
>
> A year goes by. When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering
> and shaking again.
>
>
>
> The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"
>
>
>
> "Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the
> New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks finally; this nice young
> stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cosy spot. It was so
> nice and warm that I fell asleep.
>
>
>
> When I woke up, I was back in the moustache of a guy on a Harley."
AMG GT-R
Atom 4 - CM425
Lotus Esprit S4S
G30 M5 Comp
Ferrari 599
Lotus Elise S1 "Shed" spec
Atom 4 - CM425
Lotus Esprit S4S
G30 M5 Comp
Ferrari 599
Lotus Elise S1 "Shed" spec
A couple are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in the same restaurant, and at the same table which the proposal was made.
The wife looks longingly into her husband's eyes & asks:
"Darling, 25 years ago, what were you thinking whilst sitting right here at this table?"
Hubby thought for a moment, and replied:
"I was thinking that I was gonna suck your t*ts dry & f*ck your brains out"
With a big smile & a sexy gaze, she then asked:
"And darling, what are you thinking now?"
Another short pause....
"I did a bloody good job!"
The wife looks longingly into her husband's eyes & asks:
"Darling, 25 years ago, what were you thinking whilst sitting right here at this table?"
Hubby thought for a moment, and replied:
"I was thinking that I was gonna suck your t*ts dry & f*ck your brains out"
With a big smile & a sexy gaze, she then asked:
"And darling, what are you thinking now?"
Another short pause....
"I did a bloody good job!"
Ross
---------
1972 Alfaholics Giulia Super
2000 Elise S1 Sport 160
2004 Bentley Conti GT
2017 Schkoda Yeti
2x Hairy GRs (not Toyota)
Now browsing the tech pages
---------
1972 Alfaholics Giulia Super
2000 Elise S1 Sport 160
2004 Bentley Conti GT
2017 Schkoda Yeti
2x Hairy GRs (not Toyota)
Now browsing the tech pages
rossybee wrote:A couple are celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary in the same restaurant, and at the same table which the proposal was made.
The wife looks longingly into her husband's eyes & asks:
"Darling, 25 years ago, what were you thinking whilst sitting right here at this table?"
Hubby thought for a moment, and replied:
"I was thinking that I was gonna suck your t*ts dry & f*ck your brains out"
With a big smile & a sexy gaze, she then asked:
"And darling, what are you thinking now?"
Another short pause....
"I did a bloody good job!"
"Here for a good time not a long time"
OK, you all asked for it...
I'm sure a few of you have already read this cover to cover, but for those of you who do not know of its existence:
http://www.sickjokebook.com/
You can download the entire book as a PDF file from this link:
http://www.sickjokebook.com/b3tabumperb ... kjokes.pdf (14MB)
Of course, if you like it, buy it. I find it's amusing to leave a copy in the wee room for guests to peruse...
It's called the sick joke book for a reason. If you are easily offended, don't. I mean really, just don't.
I'm sure a few of you have already read this cover to cover, but for those of you who do not know of its existence:
http://www.sickjokebook.com/
You can download the entire book as a PDF file from this link:
http://www.sickjokebook.com/b3tabumperb ... kjokes.pdf (14MB)
Of course, if you like it, buy it. I find it's amusing to leave a copy in the wee room for guests to peruse...
It's called the sick joke book for a reason. If you are easily offended, don't. I mean really, just don't.
211
958
958