Tuesday test

[graeme]

OK, you all asked for it...

I'm sure a few of you have already read this cover to cover, but for those of you who do not know of its existence:

http://www.sickjokebook.com/

You can download the entire book as a PDF file from this link:

http://www.sickjokebook.com/b3tabumperb ... kjokes.pdf (14MB)

Of course, if you like it, buy it. I find it's amusing to leave a copy in the wee room for guests to peruse...

It's called the sick joke book for a reason. If you are easily offended, don't. I mean really, just don't.

[mac]

Mary had a little pig,
it wouldn't stop it's grunting.

She took it behind the house
and kick it's little **** in!

[Edin430]

OK, you all asked for it...

I'm sure a few of you have already read this cover to cover, but for those of you who do not know of its existence:

http://www.sickjokebook.com/

You can download the entire book as a PDF file from this link:

http://www.sickjokebook.com/b3tabumperb ... kjokes.pdf (14MB)

Of course, if you like it, buy it. I find it's amusing to leave a copy in the wee room for guests to peruse...

It's called the sick joke book for a reason. If you are easily offended, don't. I mean really, just don't.

for people with restricted email at work please enlighten me

[Scotty C]

The Complaint

To: Leith police

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service


Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e.-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouiji board.

As I’m writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it’s only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I’ve just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you’ll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.


I remain sir, your obedient servant


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Leith Police

Mr ??????

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ??????

Community Beat Officer

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To: Leith Police


Dear PC ??????


First of all 1 would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It’s surely only a matter of time before you are headhunted by M15.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I’ll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards


P.S. If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don’t work for the cleansing department.

[campbell]

Scotty - that's Edinburgh for you

[robin]

We used to live in North Junction Street, opposite swannies bar for those that know it. Regular entertainment every night of the week. We did once call the police when a man was holding a woman by the throat, feet off the ground. Having established with us that it wasn't a domestic ("I'll just nip out and ask them if they're married, will I?"), they did show up and arrest the bloke. As soon as they had him, she pounced and started beating them up Class ...

Cheers,
Robin

[gorrie]

Here was me thinking that Leith was the new Morningside...

[steve_weegie]

Nah, the morningside possies use handbags instead of kebabs as projectiles

[Edin430]

Nah, the morningside possies use flowers instead of kebabs as projectiles

[ed]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But w hen they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

[campbell]

Scotty's story was in the Sun today.

[Scotty C]

> When girls don't put out!!
>
> This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.
> I never quite figured out why the s * xual urge of men and women
> differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars
> thing.
> I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with
> their heart.
>
> FOR EXAMPLE:
> One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
> Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't
> feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
> I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
> So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
> hear...
> 'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
> for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
> She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me
> for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
> Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to
> sleep.
> The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
> with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a
> big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she
> tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide
> which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted
> new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair
> for each outfit.'
>
> We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
> diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
> thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she
> was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she
> doesn't even know how to play tennis.
> I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She
> was almost nearing s * xual satisfaction from all of the excitement..
> Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is
> all dear, let's go to the cashier.'
> I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
> feel like it.'
> Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
> 'WHAT?'
> I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
> You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for
> me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
> And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
> added,'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
> I buy you?'
>
> Apparently I'm not having s * x tonight either....but at least that
> bitch knows I'm smarter than her.
> Alright girls. Forward this on if you agree. Hell even if you
> disagree, forward it on.
>
> Men, forward this on this because you have balls
>

[Dominic]

[tuscan_thunder]

What do you call a snowman playing the piano?

Meltin John.


Boy walks into a shop and asks for a tinned pigeon. Shopkeeper says, sorry, no-can-doo.


What do you call a pigeon at the end of a queue? A hin doo


(where is it? yes, yes, that's it, the one hanging up in the cloakroom)

[Dominic]

While we're on all this sexist stuff... here's the man rules for a happy life


01. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don't try to change that.

02. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

03. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

04. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

05. Crying is blackmail.

06. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

07. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

08. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

09. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

11. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

12. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

13. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

14. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

15. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Lilac is a flower. We have no idea what mauve is.

16. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

17. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

18. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

19. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

20. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Sex, Sport, or Cars.

21. You have enough clothes.

22. You have too many shoes.

23. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

24. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the settee tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!